Abandon ship.

That old sinking feeling is back. The one where I wake up and stare at the window blinds, unable to get back to sleep. Never good.

It’s the feeling of disconnect. The inability to breathe. The horrible wrenching sensation that twists my insides into knots. The knowledge that this is as good as it’s going to get. I cannot change the world. I can’t even change my own mindset.

Depression is never really a good thing. It is exactly that. Depressing. Not functioning, but getting by. The signs are all there. I just can’t read them.

Who wants to hire a mother? Not many people. No matter the degree, the hours spent working from home, the writing, the publishing, the management experience. I have children, therefore my mind must be made of goo. Frustrating. Tiring. Trying.

Dammit. I don’t have time for this wallowing. I have to find more work. I have to contribute somehow. Misery is not going to help.

I have to keep trying. Nothing for it but to keep moving forward. I just wish that it weren’t so much like fighting quicksand.